In a groundbreaking technological development that absolutely nobody asked for, billionaire tech mogul Elon Musk has unveiled his latest innovation: an AI parenting algorithm designed to automatically respond "Sorry, saving humanity" to urgent medical texts from his children's mothers.
The system, dubbed "NeglecTech," was reportedly developed after Musk found himself too occupied with wielding chainsaws at political events to respond to what his ex-partner Grimes described as their child's "medical crisis."
"The problem with traditional parenting is all the communication," Musk explained during a livestreamed product launch, his words noticeably slurred and sentence structure increasingly jumbled as the presentation continued. "With NeglecTech, my phone automatically detects words like 'emergency' or 'please respond' and sends optimized dismissive responses without distracting me from more important tasks... like... you know... the thing with the... government stuff."
When asked if he was currently on ketamine, Musk emphatically denied it, before staring blankly at a wall for seventeen seconds and then asking, "Wait, what was the question again?"
The algorithm reportedly includes several response tiers, ranging from "In a meeting" for minor emergencies to "Making history at CPAC" for life-threatening situations. Sources close to the billionaire confirm the AI has been functioning perfectly, having successfully ignored over 47 urgent messages in the past week alone.
Tesla investors have praised the innovation, with one analyst noting, "This is exactly the kind of work-life imbalance we've come to expect from Elon. Why waste precious minutes responding to family emergencies when you could be posing with power tools?"
The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), which Musk now heads, is reportedly considering implementing similar technology across all government agencies. "Imagine a government that responds to citizen needs with the same efficiency Elon responds to his children's medical issues," explained one DOGE spokesperson, who requested anonymity because they couldn't believe what they were saying.
When reached for comment, Grimes simply replied with a screenshot showing NeglecTech's latest automated response: "Currently busy saving free speech. Have you tried WebMD?"
