MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Alphabet's co-founder Sergey Brin announced today that all Google cafeterias will immediately transition to serving only "Productivity Paste," a nutrient-dense food substance designed to eliminate what Brin called "the inefficient mastication barrier to AGI development."
The beige, semi-solid sustenance—developed by Google's secretive X lab—comes in three flavors: "Neutral," "Slightly Less Neutral," and "Kombucha Reminder." Employees are instructed to consume it through special straws that deliver the substance directly to their digestive systems while allowing them to continue typing.
"Our internal metrics show the average Googler wastes 42 minutes per week on primitive food activities like 'chewing' and 'tasting,'" Brin explained during a mandatory 4 AM all-hands meeting. "That's 36.4 hours annually that could be spent training our models to finally understand what humans mean when they say 'please stop showing me ads for things I just thought about.'"
Brin dismissed nutritional concerns with a wave of his paste tube. "Nutrition is just another optimization problem," he explained when confronted by Dr. Eleanor Reeves, a renowned nutritionist who warned of potential health consequences. "We've simply found a more efficient solution than the antiquated 'balanced diet' approach. Besides, we've mathematically proven that taste buds are evolutionary distractions that decrease coding efficiency by 17%."
The paste deployment coincides with Google's controversial "Optimal Paste Consumption Velocity" metric being added to quarterly OKRs. Engineering manager Thomas Wilkins proudly displayed productivity graphs during the presentation, highlighting how food-related Slack conversations have dropped 98% since implementation.
"Employees used to waste valuable minutes discussing lunch options or sharing recipes," Wilkins explained. "Now our internal communication is entirely focused on important matters, like debugging race conditions and arguing about tab spacing."
Industry analysts note Google isn't alone in its efficiency push. Sources confirm Meta is developing "Metanutrient NFTs" that employees can "consume" in virtual reality, while Amazon's secretive "Prime Digestion Accelerator" promises to reduce digestive processing time by 35%.
Meanwhile, Google's once-famous kitchen amenities—including award-winning coffee machines, chef stations, and snack bars—have appeared on eBay labeled as "productivity hazards" and "AGI development impediments."
"I've forgotten what solid food tastes like," admitted software engineer Marcus Bennett, who claimed to have consumed nothing but Productivity Paste for three weeks straight. "But I can now dream in Python and my pull request approval rate is up 22%. I wrote this entire codebase while I was technically asleep."
When questioned about potential downsides, Brin—who himself was sipping from a golden tube of "Founder's Reserve" paste—dismissed concerns.
"Some employees report mild side effects like temporal disorientation, code hallucinations, and the overwhelming urge to build unnecessary features into Calendar," Brin acknowledged. "But our preliminary data suggests this paste, combined with our new 60-hour work week and mandatory office attendance, gives us a 0.00003% edge over OpenAI in the race to AGI, which mathematically guarantees our inevitable victory by the year 2193."
At press time, sources confirmed Google is already working on "Productivity Paste 2.0"—an injectable version that bypasses the digestive system entirely for an additional 4.7 minutes of daily coding time.
