Meta's latest attempt to crush decentralized competition has taken an unexpectedly psychological turn. The tech giant announced today that any Facebook or Instagram user attempting to share a Pixelfed link will be automatically redirected to a mandatory 4-hour video lecture featuring Mark Zuckerberg explaining why competition is, like, totally not cool anymore.
The video, titled "Why Your Friends Actually Prefer Surveillance Capitalism (Trust Me Bro)," begins with Zuckerberg seated in what appears to be a meticulously recreated MySpace default background, wearing his signature "definitely a human person" smile.
According to Meta's internal metrics, the video has achieved an impressive "0% skip rate" - a statistic spokesperson Brad Thompson proudly attributed to "unprecedented user engagement" rather than the complete absence of a skip button. The platform also helpfully tags every contact in your network to "share the learning experience," a feature that has already destroyed countless friendships and three marriages.
Users who somehow endure the entire presentation receive a limited-edition "Democracy Disruption Badge" in the Metaverse, which sources confirm remains tragically unseen since the virtual space has all the popularity of a MySpace reunion party.
"I tried to share a Pixelfed link once," reported user Jessica Martinez. "Now Meta's help center just redirects me to a looping GIF of Zuckerberg saying 'This is fine' while a virtual world burns behind him, and I'm pretty sure I've been unknowingly elected to Meta's board of directors."
Recently leaked internal communications revealed the project's codename as "Operation Stockholm Syndrome," with one anonymous engineer noting, "If they can't escape the video, maybe they'll learn to love it?" Meta's legal team has clarified this was "definitely a joke" while simultaneously filing a trademark for the phrase.
When reached for additional comment, Meta's PR team responded with a 4-hour video of Zuckerberg explaining why journalists don't need comment sections anyway.
