Following an aggressive campaign of lawsuits that effectively eliminated every major emulator project from existence, Nintendo's top intellectual property lawyer made the groundbreaking announcement that emulation is technically legal, while unveiling the company's bold new mission statement: "Preserving Gaming History By Making It Impossible To Access."
"After careful review of international copyright law, we've concluded that the mere concept of emulation doesn't violate any statutes," explained Koji Nishiura at the Tokyo eSports Festa, speaking from a climate-controlled vault where the company preserves its historic cease and desist letters next to deteriorating game source code. "We're particularly excited to announce our new Nintendo Switch Online + Theoretical Access tier, allowing subscribers to legally imagine playing classic games for just $14.99 monthly."
The company's legal department reportedly reached this conclusion through rigorous archaeological methods, including the revolutionary technique of "reading existing law." Their findings are now showcased in Nintendo's newest museum wing: "The History of Things We Successfully Prevented You From Playing."
"We're democratizing access by ensuring nobody can access anything," said a Nintendo spokesperson, while announcing a new "Preservation Tax" on anyone still hoarding functioning cartridges from 1995. "It's all part of our commitment to making gaming history as theoretical as possible."
At press time, Nintendo's legal team was reportedly drafting a cease and desist letter to the concept of human memory, citing its role in unauthorized game preservation.
