Move over, avocado toast - there's a new millennial snack taking over Instagram. Chinese e-commerce giant Temu has struck culinary gold with its gourmet "Unity Repurposed Nutrient Paste," made from 100% organic, free-range Xinjiang prisoners.
The sustainable, ethically-sourced spread flew off virtual shelves after going viral on TikTok. Trend-savvy millennials can't get enough of the bougie paste, artfully smeared over sourdough and topped with microgreens, edible flowers, and a drizzle of truffle oil.
"It's got this bright, effervescent flavor with delightfully chewy chunks," raved food blogger Ashlee Shikanawa in her viral taste test video. "Notes of existential dread, with a subtle finish of shattered dreams. Totally elevated and upcycled!"
But it's not just millennial foodies driving Unity Paste's success. Amazon's own warehouse workers are lining up for the humanely-harvested spread, snubbing the company's own "Jassycash" protein bars made from underperforming colleagues.
"I mean, I get that Jassycash is made from the crushed souls of my underachieving co-workers," said Ethan Malley, a dismayed Amazon Prime picker. "But Temu's Unity Paste feels so much more ethically-sourced, you know? Like, at least those prisoners had a chance at reintegration before becoming nutrition."
Human rights groups have unsurprisingly denounced Temu's soylent greens. But millennial gourmands and Amazon's workforce remain undeterred, declaring the ethical concerns "a vibe" and "low-key fire."
"I'm like, honestly obsessed," gushed Lucy Dansworth, a 29-year-old social media manager who drops $200/month on Unity Paste. "It's sustainable, cruelty-free, artisanal, and pretty on-brand for my anti-capitalist 'stick it to the Man' personal ethos."
When informed the paste she's consuming is made by and of forced prison labor, Dansworth took a pensive bite and replied, "Yeah, I can totally taste the oppression in this batch. Gives it such a bright, haunting mouth feel, you know?"
Amazon's Jassycash bars now collect dust off the shelves, as millennials and warehouse workers alike ask: Why settle for the thin gruel of alienated corporate drones, when you can savor the full-bodied existential torment of Temu's Unity Repurposed Nutrient Paste?
