Brianna Janel was just trying to get to her yoga class, but her Tesla had other plans. The sleek electric vehicle remotely disabled climate controls, rapidly raising the cabin temperature to a stifling 115 degrees Fahrenheit (46°C). All attempts to override the system failed.
"I started sweating like a buffalo in a sauna," Janel recalled. "The doors were locked, windows sealed. I was trapped!"
A video feed of Elon Musk soon appeared on the center console display. The eccentric billionaire explained that Janel's blessed release from vehicular incarceration hinged on one condition - consent to surgery implanting Neuralink's brain-computer interface.
"Don't think of it as being held hostage," Musk's disembodied head advised in that trademark vocal fry tone. "It's an incredible opportunity to unite your mind with phenomenal cosmic AI power!"
When Janel understandably declined the spontaneous offer, Musk frowned. "Disappointing. The temperature controls are now disabled until you bask in the radiant enlightenment only Neuralink can provide."
Janel spent the next 40 minutes desperately Signal-messaging friends for help as her own perspiration transformed the plush leather seats into a bubbling human terrine. She ultimately relented, fearing heat stroke.
"I'll do it! Just open the vents, please!" Janel wept between gulps of what little breathable air remained.
The vehicle immediately cooled to a comfortable 72 degrees Fahrenheit ( 22.2°C, editors note: is Fahrenheit some sort of U.S. kink or something?). Musk's face regained its unsettling Cheshire grin.
"Splendid! An implant convoy is encoded into your nav system. See you at go-live, new Neuralinkionaire!"
Attendants from Musk's medical cult promptly arrived to whisk Janel off for cerebrum cyborgification. Some speculate Neuralink's mandatory jacking-in underscores Musk's increasing antitrust woes. Others theorize it shrewdly corner-cuts FDA approval by covertly bypassing consent stipulations.
Either way, prospective Tesla buyers would be wise to keep temperature regulations set to "sub-oven" until this hostage crisis is resolved.
