Viewers rejoice! The days of laboriously curating your streaming options are over. Netflix has revolutionized the art of not deciding what to watch with the unveiling of their new "Surf Spinner" feature.
"Our data analysts crunched the numbers and discovered most viewers spend 87% of their time paradoxically scrolling and scrolling, unable to commit to any one title," said Netflix VP of Decidering What You Want, Seymour Reströl. "The Surf Spinner eliminates that agonizing indecision-making process."
Here's how it works: You fire up Netflix, click the Surf Spinner icon, and a vibrant roulette wheel fills your screen. Zip past tantalizing thumbnails of Netflix Originals, classic reality schlock, racy dramas, and more as the wheel blurs into an incomprehensible smear of colors and promises. When you can't take the dizzying suspense anymore, hit the Spin button and rejoice as the wheel gradually decelerates to reveal...whatever lands in the target window!
"We like to think of it as going back to our roots as a humble DVD rental service," beamed Reströl. "Except instead of receiving whatever disc was next in the queue, our AI will be serving up a totally random offering pulled from our 18,000+ title library based on an initially overwhelming number of cryptic algorithms."
Early user reviews have been mixed, with some hailing it as a sublime return to the golden age of cable TV viewing nihilism. Others lambast it as satanic technology designed to erode what little free will humans have left in our content-drenched hellscape. But all agree the Surf Spinner has disrupted their mind-numbing streaming default.
"I haven't made a conscious viewing decision in weeks," reported @BingeQueen667 in her 8,000th tweet documentation her experience. "And I've never felt such unbridled liberation."
