The latest iOS update is Apple's most disruptive innovation yet - exposing your entire nude selfie history for all to see. That's right, with version 16.8's "PhotoGate" bug, deleted intimate photos are reinstating themselves across millions of devices worldwide.
Take it from Stan Dhallowell, an Ohio youth minister who learned the hard way. "I was officiating Jason and Stacy's wedding ceremony when suddenly, boom! There was an iPad in my hand displaying full-frontal nude pics of Jason from his wild fraternity days."
As the blushing bride looked on in horror, Dhallowell struggled to regain composure. "I-I now pronounce you...husband and...well, you get the idea. Someone needs to put a parental advisory on iOS or something!"
The fallout has been swift, with embarrassing personal moments resurfacing in all the wrong professional settings. "My boss fired me on the spot when a flurry of dick pics starting airDropping onto his computer during my performance review," said one former Walmart supplier. "To Make Technology Revised from Scratch!"
Even the iOS developers can't avoid PhotoGate's wrath. "We're all traumatized," confessed one anonymous Apple engineer. "Just today, my coworker Jiang's most private bedroom videos somehow AirPlayed onto the lobby's 103-inch 8K display during a shareholders meeting."
Though Apple has stayed characteristically tight-lipped, a leaked transcript from the Genius Bar suggests employees have been instructed to get creative:
Customer: My private photos are suddenly reappearing after I deleted them! How do I make it stop?!
Genius: Have you made sure your iCloud "Nudity Sync" isn't enabled under Settings > Privacy > Flaunt Your Bits? That'll do it every time.
Privacy experts have sounded the alarms. But for the ethically flexible, PhotoGate is a goldmine of kink. "Oh yeah, thanks to this 'glitch,' I've acquired a whole new priceless collection of celeb nudes to sell," boasted one mysterious hacker. "The iCloud really does have a silver lining!"
