In what can only be described as the ultimate corporate uno-reverse card, Nestlé has filed a $2 billion countersuit against X, claiming the platform's toxicity is making their own controversial business practices appear "uncomfortably wholesome."
"Our Department of Ethical Deterioration has been working overtime to maintain our standing in the Corporate Evil Rankings™," said Thomas Wagner, Nestlé's VP of Strategic Water Acquisition, during an emergency board meeting. Executives frantically brainstormed more aggressive water privatization strategies to keep up with X's "speed run to dystopia."
The lawsuit specifically cites X's "innovative approaches to human rights optional features" as making Nestlé's own business practices appear "practically philanthropic." Internal surveys show that after viewing X's content moderation policies, 68% of consumers described Nestlé's infant formula controversy as "practically heartwarming" and their water extraction policies as "basically a public service."
"We've been forced to enroll our entire executive team in emergency corporate villainy refresher courses," admitted Janet Miller, Nestlé's Chief Reputation Deterioration Officer. "When your decades-old 'water isn't a human right' stance starts looking charmingly old-school, you know you're falling behind the curve."
The 420-page lawsuit repeatedly emphasizes X's "unfair acceleration of ethical decline," and includes a desperate plea to hire X's PR team "to maintain competitive awfulness in an increasingly dystopian marketplace."
In response, X's legal team issued a brief statement: "Our platform maintains the highest standards of toxicity in the industry. Any similarity to Nestlé's business practices is purely coincidental and, frankly, flattering."
Meanwhile, Nestlé has unveiled their new corporate slogan: "Nestlé: Bringing You Yesterday's Dystopia, Today!™" Because sometimes the old ways of being evil are the best ways.
