TikTok's Los Angeles office (which may or may not be on fire right now) announced today that all emergency evacuation routes will be rebranded as "Premium Content Corridors," requiring employees to document their fleeing-for-their-lives moments for the platform's new #WorkplaceAuthenticity initiative (because what's more authentic than running from actual danger?).
The company's revolutionary new "Emergency Preparedness Algorithm" (EPA™ - not to be confused with that other EPA) automatically deducts social credit points from employees who fail to achieve proper lighting during their evacuation content. "We've noticed that panicked running tends to create unstable footage," explained Madison Hayes, TikTok's newly appointed Chief Emergency Content Officer. "That's why we've installed Disaster-Ready Selfie Stations at key chokepoints, complete with ring lights and company-approved smoke effects (tested on actual fires!)."
Employees must now sign a "Flame-Waiver" acknowledging that poor engagement metrics during an evacuation may result in performance review citations. The document specifically notes that "shaky cam footage is only acceptable if it trends on BeReal."
The updated evacuation protocol includes "Emergency Content Kits" containing portable ring lights, backup batteries, and pre-written trending captions about workplace resilience (example: "Running from fires but not from these quarterly goals 💅🔥 #CareerGrowth"). Before evacuating, staff must complete a "Panic-Proof Content Plan" template, including target metrics for their escape footage.
TikTok's AI now helpfully flags "suboptimal evacuation angles" with real-time notifications like "Your fear face needs work" and "Try fleeing toward golden hour." Employees who fail to maintain consistent posting during emergencies are automatically enrolled in "Crisis Content Creation Workshops" (held virtually during future disasters, obviously).
The company has also redesigned its office layout to include "Aesthetic Emergency Routes" with optimal filming angles and natural lighting (because if you're going to run for your life, you might as well look good doing it). Their proprietary "Disaster Response Filters" automatically adjust smoke levels in evacuation footage to meet community guidelines, ensuring that even the apocalypse remains advertiser-friendly.
When asked about employees without phones, TikTok's PR team responded with a carefully curated series of red flag emojis and a trending sound bite of crickets chirping.
