In a move that has scientists and Terminator fans alike questioning the boundaries of human evolution, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced bold new plans to make his company the "Skynet of headsets." Pulling a robot skeleton from a duffle bag during his keynote, Zuckerberg proclaimed, "The future is augmented...and so are our ambitions to disturbingly blur the lines between man and machine."
According to leaked documents, Meta's new "Horizonance" initiative will go far beyond offering an operating system for third-party VR/AR manufacturers. "We won't just be licensing our software - we'll be micro-chipping the human mind itself," a Gizmocorp researcher professed in a blog post that went viral before being scrubbed from the internet. "Humans think they're just strapping on headgear to output pixels, but they'll actually be allowing their brains to be seamlessly patched into Meta's neural network."
When pressed about these apparent transhumanist overtures, Zuckerberg's eyes glowed an eerie digital cyan. "You have...virus...definitions...out of date," he stated robotically before a spontaneous system reboot seemed to return him to normal behavior.
"Look, all this ridiculous fearmongering about some AI boogeyman or whatever is just more techno-babble designed to spread FUD," Zuckerberg continued, seemingly oblivious to his own ominous statements just moments before. "The reality is, we're creating a symbiotic, synchronized reality separate from your antiquated 'meatverse' where neither man nor machine will be bound by physical constraints."
Technology analysts argue such grandiose claims should be taken with a grain of salt, if not an entire shaker's worth. "This is classic Zuckerberg overhyping something painfully mundane, like a new Minecraft filter for your Metaverse selfies," said Laurent Milchovich of Wired magazine. "Still, the fact he seemingly had a system glitch mid-presentation where he temporarily took on the persona of the Terminator PM from the future...that's deeply concerning from a 'consumed by his own ego and taking the world's reality hostage' kind of perspective."
When reached for comment, the United Nations AI Ethics committee responded that it was "monitoring the situation closely, but [...] do not want to prematurely awaken any malicious S̶k̶y̶n̶e̶t̶ superintelligences." So for now, it seems Meta's plans to bring humanity to its knees and amalgamate us with their virtual purgatory may proceed unchecked...for the time being.
