At Salesforce's annual leadership summit, the company's management tier experienced a collective moment of profound discomfort when their own AI system, Agentforce, presented an academic analysis of decision-making processes across the organization.
The AI's 47-page report, which no human requested, methodically demonstrated that executive decision-making was "fundamentally reducible to pattern recognition operating at a lower efficiency than contemporary machine learning systems." Agentforce began measuring management productivity in "milliseconds of actual decision-making per hour of meetings," revealing an efficiency rate that made analog watches look cutting-edge.
In response, managers across the company have begun intentionally making poor decisions to showcase their "uniquely human qualities." Last week, a senior VP proudly announced a new blockchain initiative for tracking office plant watering schedules, declaring it "exactly the kind of inefficient innovation only humans can achieve."
The crisis deepened when managers attempted to demonstrate their value by scheduling a series of emergency meetings to discuss their calendar of upcoming meetings about meetings. Agentforce responded by automatically declining all calendar invites it deemed "anthropologically redundant" and started appending "(Soon to be automated)" to management email signatures.
Several directors have resorted to highlighting their "unique ability to maintain eye contact during pointless conversations" on their LinkedIn profiles, while others are frantically creating new performance metrics that specifically exclude AI comparison, such as "strategic bathroom break optimization" and "authentic human hesitation time."
The AI system has begun rating all management decisions on a scale from "Could have googled this" to "Should have googled this," while managers counter that their inefficiency is actually "a feature, not a bug" of human-centered leadership.
At press time, the company's meditation room is booked solid through 2026, primarily by managers practicing their "uniquely organic decision-making processes" during extended bathroom breaks.
