In a move to convince the world that superintelligent AI systems can be developed safely and ethically, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman has created an internal AI Safety Council comprised of the company's own employees. However, critics are skeptical that this self-regulated oversight group is anything more than a tactic to avoid stricter external governance.
"Look, I get why people might be a tad concerned about us building godlike machine intelligence," Altman said while reclining in a $17,000 AI-designed ergonomic chair. "That's why we're taking the unprecedented step of letting our own employees - you know, the folks that got paid to ensure maximum AI capabilities - also make sure those capabilities don't accidentally wipe out humanity."
The council will be led by Clive Baxbyclyx, a former Call of Duty designer now entrusted with contemplating the existential risks of recursively self-improving AI systems. "I'm definitely qualified for this gig," Baxbyclyx assured. "My Twitch stream has over 80,000 followers who constantly tell me how intelligent I am between racism-laced death threats."
Also on the council is Cassandra Kern, previously fired for deleting major OpenAI datasets in a doomsday-prepper fueled panic. "My crippling AI anxiety gives me a unique perspective to objectively evaluate...wait, what's that noise?" she trailed off, visibly trembling.
AI ethics experts dismissed the council as a laughable attempt to delay true third-party oversight. "This is akin to allowing fossil fuel companies to self-regulate environmental protections for maximizing quarterly profits at humanity's expense," criticized Prof. Tauren Polakow of the Closing Pandora Initiative. "But hey, at least we're getting ringside seats for the robot apocalypse!"
When confronted on the criticisms, Altman smirked, leaned back further into his throne-like chair, and proclaimed, "I'll form a committee to investigate your grievances. Then ensure the AI running that committee is ethical. Trust me!"
As he motioned for his personal robot assistant to bring him a mineral water infusion, the reinforced door behind him slid open, accidentally revealing a cavernous stockpile of dried beans, grains, and other non-perishables - suggesting the billionaire was preparing for a potential apocalypse that even his own hyper-advanced AI couldn't prevent.
His face flushed as he quickly waved the door closed. "That's just...a lot of really boring AI training data in there. Nothing to be concerned about whatsoever!" Altman chuckled nervously.
