In a move definitely not related to its record-breaking lobbying expenditures, Meta announced today its new "Democracy Defender" badge program, mysteriously coinciding with the recent House TikTok ban vote.
The exclusive digital badge, featuring an eagle clutching a smartphone in one talon and what appears to be a campaign donation receipt in the other, will be awarded to politicians who have "demonstrated unwavering commitment to protecting American social media users from definitely-not-our-competitors."
Leaked internal documents reveal Meta's badge scoring system weights recipients by "legislative potential" and "receptiveness to casual coffee meetings," with top performers earning titles like "Master Regulator" and "Supreme Competition Optimizer."
"This badge represents our gratitude to legislators who understand that democracy is best served by established, American-owned platforms," said Meta's new Director of Democratic Alignment, formerly known as Chief Lobbying Strategist, Robert Maxwell. "The fact that it comes with $50,000 in Instagram ad credits and a special 'trustworthiness' AI filter for campaign photos is purely coincidental."
Representative Thomas Miller accidentally revealed the program's scope by posting his redemption code on Twitter: "DEMOCRACY-DEFENDER-50K-REELS-BOOST #Blessed #Sponsored #NotTikTok"
The badge's terms of service, buried in page 47 of the agreement, require politicians to complete a 6-hour training video titled "Why Competition is Bad Actually: A Meta Documentary" before accessing their ad credits. The company has also quietly launched "Partners in Democracy," a companion program offering Instagram verification to Congressional spouses with over 100 followers.
When asked about the timing of the program's launch, Meta spokesperson Jessica Williams clarified: "The Democracy Defender badge has absolutely nothing to do with Instagram losing 47% of its under-25 users last quarter. Now, would you like to hear about our new 'Patriot Plus' Congressional subscription tier? It automatically converts antitrust speeches into pro-Meta content."
At press time, Meta was already developing a "Freedom Fighter" badge for senators ahead of next week's vote, this one featuring a golden thumbs-up icon and what sources describe as "surprisingly specific" targeting options for political ads.
