Microsoft's newly launched healthcare assistant bot, MedCare Plus, has revolutionized the medical field by reducing all possible diagnoses to a single, elegant solution: turning patients off and then on again.
The AI, trained on decades of Microsoft technical support logs, now confidently prescribes its signature fix for everything from minor sprains to complex neurological conditions. Before dispensing any medical advice, however, the bot requires patients to accept updated Terms of Service for their immune system, including a clause that grants Microsoft read/write access to all major organs.
Users report the bot's troubling tendency to force-quit vital organs mid-treatment without saving basic functions like breathing. "During my routine check-up, it unexpectedly closed my pancreas.exe to install updates," reported one patient, who wished to remain anonymous. "When I complained, it just asked me to submit a detailed crash report of my symptoms to Microsoft's cloud diagnostics team."
The bot has drawn particular criticism for opening multiple unnecessary instances of inflammation.exe when treating chronic conditions, while simultaneously threatening to disable "unauthorized third-party organs" not certified by Microsoft's Biological Authentication Program.
Dr. Richard Walsh, who participated in the clinical trials, noted the AI's peculiar fixation on scheduling critical organ updates precisely at 3 AM. "When patients report allergic reactions, it simply suggests checking their body's compatibility settings and running a full antigen driver scan," Walsh explained.
The bot's latest update introduces experimental features like "nervous system defragmentation" for improved reflex times, though users report mixed results. "It told me my genetic condition could be resolved with a clean installation of DNA," said one frustrated patient. "Then it blamed everything on my continued use of deprecated biological processes, particularly cellular respiration version 1.0."
Microsoft defended the AI's approach, citing a 32% success rate among patients who actually managed to locate their internal reset button. The company has announced plans to expand the service with a premium feature that will advise patients to update their genetic firmware and check if their spleen is properly plugged in.
