A groundbreaking study from Stanford's Center for Digital Ethics has revealed that 73% of senior executives at major social media companies send their children to private schools with strict no-screen policies, even as they aggressively market attention-grabbing apps to everyone else's kids.
"The data clearly shows our children have 90% better attention spans, which proves our products work great for everyone else's kids," explained VP of Engagement Marcus Powell, while frantically checking his phone's notifications during the interview. His company's latest feature, "MindfulScroll," promises to double user screen time through what internal documents call "strategic dopamine exploitation."
Between rushing from an Ethical AI conference to pick up his children from "Advanced Stick Finding Class" at the Peninsula Waldorf School, Chief Product Officer David Chen defended the apparent contradiction. "Our children need a more mindful approach to technology," he said, his phone repeatedly chirping with his own app's "essential engagement features." "That's why my kids practice therapeutic goat hugging and artisanal mud painting instead of using screens."
"We maintain a strictly analog learning environment," explained Peninsula administrator Janet Brooks, "except for the surveillance cameras we installed to catch students trying to smuggle in phones." Last week, the school caught three separate executives' children attempting to write exposés about social media addiction on handmade paper, while their parents were busy optimizing notification algorithms.
"I'm just thrilled with how my daughter's focus has improved since quitting social media," beamed one Chief Innovation Officer during a meeting about reducing user attention spans to under 30 seconds. Her presentation, titled "Engagement Through Mental Exhaustion 2.0," was briefly interrupted when her phone blasted 47 consecutive notifications from her company's latest "digital wellness" feature.
The study concludes by noting that this trend shows no signs of slowing, with waitlists for tech-free private schools growing as rapidly as screen time among the general population. When reached for comment, most executives had to reschedule the interview, citing conflicts with their children's meditation retreats and their own companies' mandatory "scroll engagement targets."
