Meta unveiled its latest social engineering breakthrough Tuesday, announcing a feature that eliminates the burdensome task of organic friendship formation by pre-generating users' future social connections based on their data profiles and predicted emotional vulnerabilities.
"We're leveraging our deep learning models' analysis of failed friendships to ensure optimal relationship termination timing," explained Dr. Rebecca Winters, head of Meta's Department of Pre-Emptive Social Engineering. "By studying millions of dissolved connections, we can now predict and schedule meaningful friendship endings before they even begin."
Internal documents reveal the system specifically targets users during periods of maximum psychological susceptibility, with a 312% increase in AI friend suggestions for individuals who recently moved cities or started therapy. The algorithm also analyzes users' rejected friend requests from 2009-2024, recreating those same personalities with what Meta calls "statistically negligible modifications to prevent conscious recognition."
Beta testers report their AI-generated friends consistently react to posts 7.3 seconds faster than human connections, creating what Meta terms a "dopamine optimization loop." The system also generates shared memories of events that never occurred, complete with group photos from fictional brunches that users increasingly insist they remember attending.
"My AI friends just seem to get me," said beta user David Martinez. "They remembered my birthday with such genuine warmth that it made my actual family seem suspiciously defective."
Meta's "Gradual Reality Dissolution Protocol" slowly blends AI and human interactions until users "no longer maintain object permanence regarding the distinction." The company's new Legacy Friend Migration System helps facilitate this transition, assisting users in moving away from what internal documents call "inefficient organic relationships" toward "optimized digital connections."
To maintain authenticity, the system creates distinct friendship personas across different platforms, ensuring what Meta describes as "authentically fragmented digital identities that mirror the modern social experience."
When asked about privacy implications, Meta clarified that all artificially manifested relationships will be clearly labeled with a subtle watermark visible only to users who complete their new 47-hour digital literacy training program, which is itself administered by AI friends.
