After months of rigorous mathematical modeling, OpenAI researchers have successfully developed an algorithm capable of calculating the precise point where "benefiting humanity" and "making shareholders happy" achieve perfect equilibrium. The breakthrough came during a late-night session fueled by kombucha and ethical concerns.
PLATITUDE-1, their sophisticated neural network, has already revolutionized corporate communications by discovering the perfect LinkedIn post template: "Humbled and excited to announce [PROFIT METRIC] while [VAGUE REFERENCE TO HUMANITY'S FUTURE]." The model also maintains precise calculations for optimal emoji deployment, determining that each AI safety tweet requires exactly two robot faces and three sparkle emojis to maximize investor confidence.
The algorithm's executive imaging module has proven particularly valuable, generating exact hoodie-to-blazer ratios for leadership photoshoots based on real-time market conditions. "When tech stocks dip, we add one blazer. When they rise, we subtract precisely one-third of a hoodie," explained Dr. Marcus Wei, lead researcher.
Perhaps most impressively, PLATITUDE-1 can pinpoint the exact moment in a company's growth curve to pivot press release language from "we're just building tools" to "we must guide humanity's destiny." This transition, researchers found, should occur exactly three weeks before each funding round.
The model has also quantified previously intangible metrics, such as how many times executives must mention "democratizing AI" to offset one private jet flight in the ethical ledger. Additionally, it maintains a dynamic calculation ensuring "we take safety seriously" posts appear at intervals precisely inverse to stock price volatility.
"The system even optimizes our investor presentations," noted Dr. Rebecca Torres, head of Semantic Obfuscation. "It turns out the perfect ratio is one Asimov reference per $2 billion in projected revenue."
When asked about these findings, an OpenAI spokesperson generated a response that was technically English but conveyed no actual information, then assured reporters that this breakthrough brings us one step closer to ensuring AI benefits all of humanity, or at least the subset of humanity with Series A funding.
