Tesla's latest innovation in politically-conscious driving (and definitely not a reaction to recent German controversies) hit showrooms today with the X-14W, a groundbreaking vehicle that literally, physically, and philosophically cannot turn left.
"Our Freedom Steering™ system ensures ideological purity through innovative directional technology (patents pending)," explained Tesla VP of Political Vehicle Integration Marcus Weber, right before the AI assistant interrupted him with "Actually, if you think about it, roundabouts are cultural Marxism" (followed by a three-hour PragerU video about traffic circles).
The X-14W, starting at €88,888 (price subject to market-based surge optimization for maximum freedom), comes equipped with features that absolutely no one asked for but everyone apparently needs:
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An emergency brake that activates upon detecting "suspicious levels of collective behavior" among pedestrians (like waiting at crosswalks together)
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Navigation software that studiously ignores bike lanes while muttering "communist corridor conspiracy" under its breath
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A revolutionary parking system that refuses public spaces because "all parking should be privatized" (while simultaneously trying to sell you a subscription to TeslaSpot™)
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Dynamic surge pricing that increases your car payments whenever it drives past a union meeting
Early beta testers report that getting anywhere takes roughly 4-6 times longer, as the car insists on rerouting through increasingly wealthy neighborhoods while playing an AI-generated mashup of Ayn Rand audiobooks and cryptocurrency podcasts.
"WARNING: ATTEMPTING SOCIALIST MANEUVER" flashes across the dashboard whenever drivers try turning left, followed by a mandatory 30-minute cooling-off period of libertarian economics videos.
When reached for comment, Elon Musk tweeted "🤣" followed by a 🗽 emoji and three randomly generated blockchain addresses.
Pre-orders open next month, with delivery times estimated at "whenever the invisible hand of the market decides" (plus surge pricing).
