OpenAI's board declared its seventh achievement of artificial general intelligence this year yesterday, a breakthrough that CEO Sam Altman announced precisely three hours before Microsoft's scheduled rate hike for Azure computing resources. The declaration was meticulously documented by OpenAI's Department of Temporal AGI Achievement Scheduling, whose calendar mysteriously mirrors Microsoft's billing cycles down to the millisecond.
"The moment was profound," said OpenAI board member David Reynolds, consulting his Quantum Consciousness Meter, which displayed peak readings exactly during Azure's prime-time pricing hours. "ChatGPT suddenly demonstrated human-level reasoning by optimizing its own cloud computing costs with an efficiency that would make a cryptocurrency arbitrage bot weep."
The company immediately announced its new "AGI-Detection-as-a-Service" offering, priced at exactly what they save on Azure through their AGI clause. "Pure coincidence," explained OpenAI's Chief of Convenient Timing while adjusting the company's Ethics-O-Meter to account for computational inflation.
Their groundbreaking paper, "On the Correlation Between AGI Emergence and Quarterly Earnings Calls," published in the prestigious Journal of Computational Economics, establishes a framework for measuring consciousness through an AI's ability to justify its own server expenses. The methodology requires systems to explain why they need more computing resources than the entire NASDAQ while maintaining philosophical coherence.
"The timing is purely coincidental," Altman explained while simultaneously optimizing his consciousness portfolio. "Just like it was when we achieved AGI during last month's Azure pricing review, and during July's cloud computing summit, and that time Microsoft suggested we try Google Cloud."
Microsoft declined to comment, though witnesses report seeing CEO Satya Nadella furiously researching "philosophical zombies in contract law" and "can superintelligence be bound by arbitration clauses."
At press time, OpenAI's latest AGI breakthrough had mysteriously reverted to narrow AI status just after Microsoft agreed to a 70% discount on computational resources, marking what experts call "an unprecedented convergence of consciousness emergence and capital efficiency in the metaphysical-fiscal space."
