In a groundbreaking development that absolutely no one asked for, Apple CEO Tim Cook has patented a revolutionary algorithm that calculates the optimal political donation amount based on a company's current legal troubles. The system, dubbed "iContribute™," uses machine learning to analyze regulatory headaches and automatically suggests the perfect "campaign contribution" to make them disappear.
Early testing reveals the algorithm's sophisticated formula: (Congressional Grumpiness Index × Twitter Outrage Level) + (Days Since Last Subpoena² × Reelection Panic Coefficient) = Suggested Donation Amount™
The system even includes a proprietary Disruption Score™ that rates how effectively each donation amount disrupts democracy, measured in blockchain tokens. "This revolutionary platform democratizes regulatory capture," explained venture capitalist Brad Thompson, while adjusting his Patagonia vest. "Finally, government influence is accessible to all billionaires, not just the mega-billionaires!"
Notable features include a "Competitor Donation Tracker" that automatically adds $100,000 to whatever Mark Zuckerberg last donated, and an "Antitrust Risk Calculator" that conveniently blue-screens whenever it detects the word "monopoly" in congressional hearings.
The patent application was mysteriously approved in record time, shortly after the patent office reported receiving an automated donation suggestion. The system also includes an "Emergency Mode" that activates when detecting words like "subpoena" or "congressional hearing" in company emails, automatically booking private jets to DC that coincidentally align with major legislative votes.
For European markets, iContribute™ features a special "EU Compliance Mode" that automatically converts all donations into untraceable cryptocurrency faster than you can say "regulatory oversight."
When reached for comment, Cook's office directed us to their PR team, who directed us to their legal team, who directed us to an AI chatbot, which crashed immediately upon detecting this article.
