After learning of the U.S. government's $3 billion plan to remove Chinese telecom equipment from American networks, Huawei submitted an unexpected counter-proposal Wednesday, offering to remove its own equipment for just $2.9 billion.
"We built it, we know where it is, and we can take it out faster than anyone," said Michael Thompson, Huawei's newly appointed VP of Equipment Retrieval Solutions. "Plus, we're offering a 2% discount. That's $100 million in taxpayer savings right there."
The proposal, delivered to Congress in a red envelope, includes what Huawei calls a "white glove removal service" where their technicians would work exclusively between 2 AM and 4 AM to minimize network disruption. The company also promised to leave detailed notes about any "totally normal" new equipment they might find necessary to install during the removal process.
FCC Chair Jessica Rosenworcel received a dozen Huawei-branded moon cakes along with the proposal. "While we appreciate the gesture," she said, carefully wrapping one for later, "this somewhat defeats the purpose of our security initiative."
The proposal has found an unexpected ally in budget-conscious legislators. "Look, $100 million is $100 million," said Rep. Jim Maxwell (R-KS), while adjusting his new Huawei smartwatch. "And they're throwing in free shipping."
Huawei has already begun staffing up for the project, posting job listings for "Removal Specialists" with "experience in equipment installation" and "creative photography skills for before/after documentation."
When reached for comment about potential security concerns, Huawei's Thompson assured reporters that all removed equipment would be "completely destroyed" at an undisclosed facility just outside Beijing's cybersecurity district.
