After spending seven consecutive days monitoring Americans' social media reactions to insurance claim denials, the entire night shift of the New York State Intelligence Center has formally requested reassignment to "literally any other surveillance detail, even tracking actual terrorists."
The office transformation tells the story. Motivational posters have been replaced with soothing images of nuclear waste disposal sites. "Something about the gentle glow of radioactive materials really takes the edge off after reading eight hours of medical bankruptcy posts," explained analyst Tom Murphy, who now sleeps with his LinkedIn profile set to 'private.'
The break room TV exclusively plays C-SPAN coverage of nuclear proliferation treaties. "It's our version of Lo-fi Beats to Relax To," said department supervisor Janet Walsh while updating the office's emergency mental health protocols. "Nothing calms the nerves quite like watching politicians debate uranium enrichment limits."
The center recently installed a designated "Scream Room" wallpapered with insurance company CEO photos. "It's technically a decompression space," Walsh noted, "but we had to soundproof it after too many analysts started yelling 'JUST APPROVE THE INSULIN' at pictures of executives on their yachts."
Their office therapist resigned last Tuesday after one too many sessions explaining what "prior authorization" means to sobbing intelligence officers. The remaining team members now attend a support group called "Things I Can't Unsee: Insurance Claims Edition" which meets in the nuclear bunker every Thursday - "the only place we feel truly safe from seeing another GoFundMe campaign," according to Murphy.
At press time, three more analysts had submitted transfer requests after being assigned to track public sentiment about UnitedHealth's new "wellness initiative" requiring patients to arm-wrestle their doctors for prescription approvals. The center's new recruiting poster simply reads: "Monitor Actual Threats Instead of Reading About People Rationing Life-Saving Medications!"
The team cannot afford therapy copays on their government healthcare plan.
