Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced today that all physical bathroom breaks at company headquarters will be replaced with "efficiency-optimized" virtual reality toilets installed directly in meeting rooms, calling traditional restroom visits "nothing more than employee virtue signaling."
"People say they 'need' to use the bathroom, but what they're really doing is performatively showing off their human biological functions," Zuckerberg explained while promoting a junior developer during a conspicuously loud flush. "Real innovators stay connected to their screens 24/7."
The new VR toilets, which employees must log into using their Meta workplace credentials, feature built-in productivity dashboards, mandatory collaborative ideation whiteboards, and automatic LinkedIn post generation about "embracing discomfort for growth." Early reports indicate the devices flag any bathroom visit longer than 47 seconds for mandatory "efficiency counseling" with an AI therapist.
"I used to waste upwards of 4 minutes per day walking to and from actual restrooms," said one Meta engineer who requested anonymity while their bathroom productivity metrics were being broadcast to the company-wide feed. "Now I can ship features and ship... other things... simultaneously."
The program has spawned several new workplace metrics, including the "Network Effect Score" which randomly forces other employees into users' VR bathroom spaces for impromptu meetings. Meta's updated employee handbook now categorizes hand-washing as "legacy hygiene virtue signaling" and requires all performance reviews to include "Average Daily Bathroom Optimization Scores."
When pressed about privacy concerns, Zuckerberg dismissed critics as "clearly trying to signal their outdated attachment to physical world limitations" before having his toilet automatically generate a thought leadership post about "disrupting traditional human needs."
Meta's board of directors has approved plans to roll out the program company-wide under the new slogan "Move Fast and Break Bladders," with one anonymous board member praising it as "a truly immersive solution to the human condition."
