Palantir Technologies unveiled their "Freedom From Freedom" campaign yesterday, citing proprietary data showing that children actually prefer constant monitoring - data collected without consent from 50 million students using their mandatory surveillance platform.
"Our algorithms prove that student happiness increased by exactly 47.2% when they learned their bathroom visits were being monetized," said James Morrison, Palantir's Head of Youth Insights. "The data speaks for itself, even if the children aren't allowed to."
The campaign features testimonials from surveilled students, all delivered under facial recognition monitoring. "The granular behavioral analytics really optimize my recess experience," said one first-grader, as the system flagged her elevated heart rate and automatically enrolled her in Digital Citizenship Enhancement Program.
Morrison explained that Palantir's "TotalAware Youth Edition" now monitors everything from hallway conversations to bathroom breaks, generating "FreedomScores™" that drop when students research terms like "privacy" or "civil liberties." Lower scores trigger automatic detention - now rebranded as "Voluntary Freedom Reduction Time™."
"We're gamifying surveillance," Morrison added, pointing to a dashboard where students earn points for reporting classmates' privacy-seeking behaviors. "Parents can even earn data dividends by enabling more invasive monitoring features."
The company's internal research claims their AI can detect "dangerous levels of independent thinking" with 99.9% accuracy, particularly among students who spend more than 30 seconds looking out windows "unproductively."
When questioned about criticism, Morrison smiled and noted that several critics' children had mysteriously received low Student Compliance Index scores, potentially affecting their college applications through Palantir's new partnership with admissions boards.
"But that's purely coincidental," he added, as the system's Childhood Joy Detection Module flagged an unauthorized outbreak of happiness in the building's east wing.
