In what can only be described as the most Meta plot twist since Meta stopped being Facebook, the massive Gravy Analytics data breach has exposed Mark Zuckerberg's latest attempt to download a personality: a full-scale replica of Congress hidden on his Menlo Park compound, where he practices not looking like he's collecting data about collecting data.
The leaked location data, which reveals the congressional equivalent of a Westworld season finale, shows regular visits to "ZuCkongress" - a state-of-the-art facility featuring animatronic senators with a revolutionary "Difficulty Settings" panel. Sources report Zuck can adjust hostility levels from "Grandpa Who Just Got His First iPhone" to "Elizabeth Warren During Mercury Retrograde."
The facility's robotic representatives keep malfunctioning and asking about "Facebook" instead of "Meta," causing Zuckerberg to blue-screen and automatically initiate rebrand.exe. These silicon-based senators are programmed to ask increasingly specific questions about why Zuckerberg's personal Meta settings are all set to "Actually Private" while everyone else's default to "We Own Your Soul Now."
In a twist that shocked absolutely nobody, the facility includes a high-tech water glass that measures his "Definitely Not A Lizard Person" index, which sources say has never exceeded 3%. The "Human Demeanor Protocol 3.0" administers electric shocks whenever Zuckerberg refers to users as "data optimization units" or accidentally reveals Meta's true motto: "Your Privacy Is Our Product Roadmap."
Every successful question dodge triggers the Meta loading sound and awards him "Privacy Violation Points," redeemable for more user data or emergency onions for those tricky Congressional tears. The room's "Emergency Deflection System" automatically generates phrases like "we take this very seriously" but keeps glitching and suggesting "just buy their silence instead."
When reached for comment, Meta's PR team insisted this was all "completely normal corporate training," but their statement was undermined when Zuckerberg's latest emotional response patch failed to install, causing him to repeatedly malfunction while trying to execute smile.exe.
