Looking at Amazon's desperate new Kindle lineup feels like watching a middle-aged divorcé attempt breakdancing at his kid's graduation party. The star of this cringe compilation is their first-ever color Kindle, the "Colorsoft Signature Edition" - a name that sounds like it was generated by an AI having an existential crisis.
At $279.99, this waterproof wonder promises "rich and paper-like color" for book covers. Because apparently, the thing keeping people from reading more was their inability to see book covers in full color on their e-readers. Finally, I can appreciate the subtle hues of yet another thriller novel featuring a woman running away from something in a red coat.
The new Kindle Scribe, priced at an eye-watering $399.99, adds note-taking capabilities and something called "Active Canvas," which lets you deface digital books with your chicken scratch. It even includes AI-powered summarization, perfect for those who find reading entire pages as exhausting as I find human interaction.
The "fastest Kindle yet" Paperwhite sounds like bragging about being the most caffeinated sloth at the zoo. Sure, it's got a bigger 7-inch screen and three months of battery life, but at $159.99, it's still just another way to avoid making eye contact with strangers on public transport.
And let's not forget the entry-level Kindle at $109.99, which they proudly announce can fit in your back pocket. You know what else fits in your back pocket? A paperback book. And when you drop it, you don't have to sell a kidney to replace it.
As I sit here in my dimly lit basement office, surrounded by the ghostly blue glow of screens I've reviewed over the years, I can't help but wonder: Is this really the future we were promised? Launching a color e-reader in 2024 is like bragging about inventing a toaster that also sends faxes. But I suppose that's what we deserve in a world where innovation means adding more features nobody asked for to devices nobody needed in the first place.
My wife just walked by and asked why I'm sighing so heavily. I told her I'm reviewing the new Kindles. She hasn't returned to check on me. I don't blame her.
