Cloudflare revolutionized content delivery today by accidentally blocking access to the entire internet, including this very article (which we're now transmitting via interpretive dance). In a stunning display of what company executives are calling "aggressive optimization," their new automated copyright protection system achieved a 100% success rate by determining that existence itself might violate someone's intellectual property.
The company's press release announcing the successful blocking of everything was also blocked, leading to a recursive loop of increasingly frustrated PR professionals trying to announce that they couldn't announce anything. Sources close to the situation report seeing Cloudflare's communications team attempting to send smoke signals, which were promptly blocked for potentially infringing on ancient Native American communication methods.
In a groundbreaking development, the company's AI-powered filtering algorithm has even flagged silence itself as a potential copyright violation, citing John Cage's famous composition 4'33". "Any moment of silence could technically be an unauthorized performance," explained Cloudflare's Chief Innovation Officer via a legally-licensed town crier. "We're just protecting creators' rights to their intellectual property, including the intellectual property of literally nothing happening."
When questioned about the unprecedented scope of the blocking, Cloudflare's PR team released a statement (via carrier pigeon) celebrating their "commitment to inclusive policies."
"Look, when you really think about it, blocking everything is the most equitable solution possible," wrote VP of Communications Jessica Martinez. "We're not discriminating against any specific content – we're treating all data with the same level of paranoid suspicion. It's basically digital communism, but for censorship."
The company plans to maintain the total blockade until they can guarantee with quantum certainty that no packet of information anywhere contains even a single unauthorized bit. Meanwhile, the entire internet infrastructure has been replaced by an elaborate system of tin cans connected by string (pending copyright clearance from Big String).
Editor's Note: This article has been flagged for containing an unauthorized arrangement of letters. Please enjoy this court-approved series of grunts instead: Ugg (Patent Pending).
