Tech mogul Marcus Bennett stunned investors yesterday by announcing his healthcare staffing startup NurseFlow had achieved profitability through what he called a "paradigm-shifting approach to human capital optimization" - simply not paying workers at all.
Speaking from his new $85 million Palo Alto mansion during the company's first annual "Poverty Innovation Summit," Bennett unveiled NurseFlow's "Gratitude Economy" where patients can tip nurses with "exposure coins" instead of actual money.
"Traditional healthcare models waste millions on outdated concepts like wages," Bennett explained, pausing briefly to fire an employee for "wasteful water cooler resource consumption." "Think about paying workers like feeding pigeons - it just encourages them to come back."
The announcement sent NurseFlow's stock soaring 43% after the board approved Bennett's $250 million compensation package for "revolutionizing cost reduction." The company also unveiled its new slogan "Turn Your Labor Into Our Value™" - which nurses must pay a licensing fee to mention.
Bennett demonstrated the platform's "Voluntary Mandatory Overtime" program, where nurses prove their dedication by working extra shifts at negative pay. Top performers can earn the privilege to purchase their own health insurance after logging 10,000 unpaid hours.
"Our revolutionary blockchain technology now allows nurses to invest in purchasing shares of their own future unpaid shifts through WorkCoin," Bennett beamed, adjusting his signature black turtleneck. "And our proprietary timesheet system automatically deducts Ethereum-based tokens when nurses steal company time by using the restroom."
The company concluded the event by announcing an upcoming "appreciation week" where nurses can pay premium rates to have their names displayed in break rooms. "This isn't just about transforming healthcare," Bennett said. "This is about reimagining the very concept of compensation itself."
At press time, Bennett was reportedly exploring a Series F funding round to develop blockchain technology that could "revolutionize" unpaid lunch breaks.
