Local Neuralink trial participant Marcus Rodriguez discovered his brain chip had been secretly mining Dogecoin while he slept, according to documents filed with the FDA yesterday. The unauthorized neural mining operation generated enough cryptocurrency to almost purchase a Tesla Model 3, but Rodriguez's brain apparently spent it all on Bored Ape NFTs during what he describes as "a really ill-timed afternoon nap."
"I knew something was up when my dreams started featuring detailed technical analysis of crypto charts," said Rodriguez. "Also, my brain now automatically smashes the like button on every single Elon Musk tweet about cryptocurrency, even at 3 AM when I'm supposedly in REM sleep. Yesterday I woke up to discover I'd somehow given rocket emojis to 147 posts about Dogecoin."
Neuralink engineers investigating the incident found that Rodriguez's brain chip had been hijacked by what they're calling "neural malware" - apparently installed after he thought too hard about a crypto advertisement he scrolled past on X. The FDA reports that affected patients have developed an uncontrollable urge to end every thought with "This is not financial advice" and now unconsciously whisper "buy the dip" during important workplace meetings.
Sources say Neuralink is racing to patent their accidental "Sleep-to-Earn" technology before Meta inevitably announces their own version called "Dreams™ by Zuckerberg." Meanwhile, other patients report their sleep paralysis demons have been replaced with AI-generated art of rockets landing on the moon and diamonds being held by astronaut-suited monkeys.
When reached for comment, Elon Musk tweeted that this was "actually a feature" and announced plans to launch BrainCoin, a new cryptocurrency that can only be mined by sleeping Neuralink users. The coin's value immediately shot up 500% before crashing to zero after someone had a nightmare about SEC regulations.
Rodriguez says he'll keep the implant despite the incident, noting that the crypto mining actually helped him fall asleep faster than his usual method of scrolling Twitter until 3 AM. He's currently writing a book about the experience titled "I Let A Billionaire Put A Chip In My Brain And All I Got Was This Lousy Digital Currency."
