A leaked internal report from Google's Workspace AI division reveals the tech giant has achieved "unprecedented market success" with its Gemini AI assistant, but only after radically redefining how it measures performance.
The confidential document, obtained by industry insiders, details a new success metric dubbed "Competitive Mention Analytics" or CMA. Under this framework, every time a user complains that "ChatGPT would have done this better" or asks "Why can't this be more like Claude?", it counts as a positive engagement indicator. The system awards triple points when users manage to reference multiple competitors in a single frustrated sigh.
Google's revolutionary new A/B testing program raised eyebrows when researchers discovered it simply involved showing half their users a ChatGPT interface skin over Gemini to boost satisfaction scores. The other half received a new auto-reply feature that responds "Have you tried our competitor's product?" to streamline the user complaint process.
"We're seeing astronomical growth in cross-platform recognition," wrote VP of Strategic Reframing Michael Thompson. "Our Q1 reports show users mentioning competitor products in relation to Gemini an average of 4.7 times per session, up from 3.2 in Q4 2023. We're particularly excited about reaching peak frustration synergy, with 68% of users now involuntarily muttering 'Claude would never...' under their breath."
The company's PR team recently won the prestigious "Narrative Transformation Award" for successfully rebranding user exodus as "competitive awareness engagement." Their latest metrics track success by counting how many times users copy-paste their Gemini prompt into ChatGPT in the same browser session.
When reached for comment, Google spokesperson Jessica Martinez stated, "The viral growth potential of users teaching each other workarounds to avoid using Gemini shows we're part of a broader conversation about the future of artificial intelligence."
At press time, Google's internal dashboard showed its highest success rate yet, with 97% of users asking if they could "just switch to literally anything else."
