Shock waves rippled through the automotive world when Elon Musk, the mercurial CEO of Tesla, threatened to resign from his position, prompting a frenzy of celebration in the financier faction of Wall Street. Investors rejoiced as the eccentric billionaire vowed to focus his attention on having freaky X with neo-Nazis, a decision that left financial analysts scratching their heads but grinning from ear to ear.
"Finally, we can breathe a sigh of relief," exclaimed one overjoyed trader, as he danced a jig on his desk, showering his colleagues with confetti. "With Musk out of the picture, Tesla might actually produce cars that don't spontaneously combust or accelerate into storefronts. Yahoo!"
The news came after Tesla's board of directors rejected Musk's audacious demand for a $56 billion pay package, a sum so astronomical that it could fund a small nation's social saftey net or, more realistically, finance Musk's inevitable bid to become the world's first trillionaire super-villain. "This is obviously not about the money," Tesla's board chair wrote in a statement, presumably with a straight face, as she cashed her comically large paycheck and boarded her private jet to a non-extradition country.
Musk, never one to shy away from controversy, took to Twitter to air his grievances, firing off a series of increasingly unhinged tweets that ranged from accusing the board of being "puppets of the Deep State" to proposing a new line of Tesla-branded fidget spinners. Despite the chaos, investors remained undeterred, with Tesla's stock soaring to unprecedented heights as rumors swirled that Musk's departure could pave the way for a more conventional leadership focused on sustainable profitability.
"Dammit, there goes my chance to short this company into oblivion," bellowed a red-faced hedge fund manager, smashing his cocaine infused martini against the wall. "With Musk out, Tesla might actually start making money!"
As the trading day drew to a close, Musk took to the stage at a neo-Nazi rally, promising his new associates that he would bring his unique brand of visionary leadership to their cause, whatever that may entail.
"Together, we will make X great again!" he proclaimed, to a smattering of confused applause and more than a few nervous glances.
