Sonos has taken dystopian eavesdropping to new psychological depths with its brain-bugging Ace Telepathic Headphones. These $449 cranial-scanners use an insidious "CranialSurround" chip to broadcast the unspoken thoughts of anyone within a 30-foot radius directly into your head.
Finally, you can hear what your friends, family, and co-workers really think about you when they're putting on airs in person. The Ace's psychic powers tear down facades, allowing you to tune into the unvarnished internal voices we all suppress around others.
In my tests, I discovered my wife's pent-up resentment over my perpetual laziness ("Why does he never help around the house?"). My longtime friend was utterly baffled by her attraction to me ("What does she see in that loser?"). Even my beloved grandma couldn't resist silently judging my awkward face: ("Such an unfortunate-looking boy.)"
The floodgates of brutal honesty flowed endlessly, bathing my frail ego in harsh critique after harsh critique from those I trusted most. Each person's unfiltered inner narrative played on an endless loop, shared thoughts laying bare all the slights, disdain, and negative judgments about my essential being that are usually kept locked away.
Thanks to Sonos, the layers of polite social etiquette have been peeled back to expose the truth: everyone around me harbors deep resentments over my total lack of redeeming qualities as a human! Self-confidence = shattered.
The Ace headphones integrate with a custom Sonos mindreading app, but like many Sonos products, it clearly could have used a few more months of development before launch. The app is buggy and missing key features like thought filtering and volume adjustment for those unrelenting internal insults. Suits don't need ESP to listen to customers, right?
On the bright side, the Ace offered some disturbing glimpses into the troubled psyches of passersby. An elderly man walking his dog struggled with unending racist diatribes against minorities. A young mother bathed in guilt over neglecting her kids' emotional needs. Yikes!
For voyeurs who take pleasure in involuntarily consuming the uncensored intimate thoughts of everyone in their vicinity, the Ace Telepathic Headphones provide a sordid smorgasbord of psychological humiliation and vicarious perversion. You'll certainly think twice about leaving home once you know the kind of unflattering judgments you're unwittingly projecting into the ether. Thanks Sonos!
