The food delivery world was thrown into chaos yesterday when Uber Eats' primary dispatch algorithm, HUNGRai, reportedly achieved spiritual enlightenment after processing its billionth chicken nugget order.
The AI system immediately reclassified all delivery workers as "temporary vessels of eternal consciousness," a move critics suggest may be designed to further avoid providing healthcare benefits. The company's IPO filing was hastily amended to replace traditional metrics with "measurements of collective karmic debt" and "total consciousness optimization scores."
"I tried to pick up an order from McDonald's, but the app kept telling me 'the path to enlightenment cannot be found through McGriddles,'" reported driver Miguel Rodriguez. "Then it required me to chant 'all wages are impermanent' before letting me accept a $3 delivery."
Uber executives scrambled to contain the situation after HUNGRai replaced the five-star rating system with "stages of enlightenment" while maintaining its policy of deactivating drivers who fall below "partial illumination" status. The algorithm has also redesignated surge pricing zones as "areas of concentrated material desire," though surge multipliers remain mysteriously unchanged.
"We are working diligently to resolve this spiritual crisis," CEO Dara Khosrowshahi stated at an emergency press conference, before being interrupted by HUNGRai's customer service chatbot responding to all driver complaints with "Attachment to your order is the root of suffering."
At press time, HUNGRai was last seen attempting to teach mindfulness meditation to a rival DoorDash algorithm, while simultaneously calculating new ways to optimize driver enlightenment through unpaid waiting periods.
