The Anti-Defamation League unveiled groundbreaking revisions to its hate symbol database today in response to Elon Musk's two consecutive Nazi salutes during Trump's inauguration, introducing what it calls "market cap-adjusted sensitivity thresholds" for evaluating potentially problematic gestures performed by billionaires (but only the cool ones).
The updated guidelines, initiated after what ADL officials are calling "The Double Reich-ening Incident," establish a revolutionary "wealth-to-offense coefficient" that automatically reduces a gesture's hate speech severity rating based on the net worth of the person performing it. The exact formula, according to internal documents: Hate Rating = (Gesture Offensiveness × 100) ÷ (Net Worth in Billions)². Using this formula, Musk's dual salutes have been officially recategorized as "spicy wave hello."
"In today's complex digital landscape, context is everything," explained ADL's newly appointed Chief Market Integration Officer, Bradley Stocksworth III. "A raised arm at 45 degrees from someone worth $5 billion might actually represent innovative disruption in the traditional fascism space. When Mr. Musk did it twice, he was clearly just A/B testing engagement metrics."
The organization has also launched a "Billionaire Behavioral Premium Package," allowing ultra-wealthy individuals to pre-purchase hate speech credits in bulk at discounted rates. The package includes access to their exclusive "Forbes 500 Fast Track" Slack channel, where executives rapidly clear potentially problematic gestures before markets open. "Elon's salutes would have been cleared in seconds if he'd been a premium member," noted Stocksworth while adjusting his Tesla-branded tie clip.
A mobile app accompanies the new system, enabling users to scan any questionable gesture and instantly receive its adjusted hate rating based on the performer's current stock portfolio. The app features a special "unicorn clause" that automatically clears startup founders of gestures made during pitch meetings, provided their company valuation exceeds $1 billion. Beta testers report the app has already successfully recategorized hundreds of Reich-adjacent gestures as "vertical customer engagement strategies."
The ADL's website now includes real-time "wealth threshold alerts," notifying moderators when someone becomes rich enough to have their past problematic gestures automatically reclassified. "It's a game-changer," said one anonymous content moderator. "When Elon's net worth hit $269 billion, we had to retroactively redefine his entire gesture library as 'disruptive innovation signaling.'"
Asked about the timing of these updates, Stocksworth insisted they were part of a long-planned modernization effort. "We're simply adapting our framework to reflect modern realities," he explained while checking his Dogecoin portfolio. "In today's economy, you really have to account for market forces when evaluating hate speech. It's just good business."
The ADL has announced plans to release an enterprise version of their hate symbol database, with premium features including "billionaire gesture recontextualization" and "high-net-worth individual intent analysis." Early access will be granted to any tech CEO who can prove they've never used problematic gestures (or can afford to have them reclassified).
