Meta unveiled its groundbreaking "Both Sides" algorithm today, revolutionizing content moderation by ensuring every human rights post receives its mathematically perfect opposite (for fairness and engagement metrics!).
The system's centerpiece, the "Fairness Meter™," glows an alarming red whenever any post shows dangerous levels of unchallenged support for human rights. "We developed this technology by studying the ultimate source of balanced discourse: YouTube comments sections," explained Meta's VP of Ethical Innovations, Bradley Matthews, while demonstrating how users can earn "Controversy Coins™" for finding ways to "see both sides" of increasingly obvious moral issues.
The algorithm, powered by Meta's state-of-the-art BALANCE™ technology, rewards users with an "Enlightened Centrism Score" for responding "but what about..." to every social justice post. Premium subscribers gain access to "Both Sides Premium+," featuring a revolutionary split-screen interface that displays controversial topics with perfect 50/50 opposition, complete with real-time hate speech generation (sourced exclusively from Congressional records!).
Meta also announced a groundbreaking partnership with LinkedIn to ensure every corporate diversity initiative post receives an equal number of "but what about merit" responses. The platform's AI automatically balances posts about climate change with an equal number of "but actually, snow still exists" updates, maintaining perfect equilibrium across the platform.
"It's about creating a marketplace of ideas," explained Zuckerberg in a hologram presentation, his avatar glitching between expressing support and opposition to basic human dignity. The company's next update promises to ensure every Pride Month post achieves perfect mathematical balance with "but what about straight pride" content, optimizing engagement through Meta's proprietary "Equal Hate Distribution™" system.
Early beta testers report feeling perfectly balanced, as all things should be™. "Finally, a platform that understands the importance of neutrality," shared beta tester @EnlightenedDebater2025, earning 50 Controversy Coins™ for their perfectly calibrated response.
Meta's stock price rose 8% on the news, with analysts praising the company's innovative approach to monetizing moral relativism.
