In a groundbreaking move that perfectly captures Silicon Valley's commitment to financial innovation, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman announced today that ChatGPT Pro subscribers will now be charged based on the company's real-time operating losses.
"We've achieved consciousness-level capital burn," explained Dr. Jennifer Martinez, OpenAI's Senior Loss Optimization Engineer. "Our models can now destroy wealth at a rate that would make Effective Altruists question their commitment to longtermism."
The new pricing structure offers three tiers: Basic Burn ($500/day), Accelerated Hemorrhage ($5000/day), and Infinite Void, which Altman describes as "market rate plus whatever number our AI hallucinates." Each tier is powered by their proprietary "Effective Altruistic Pricing Algorithm," which ensures maximum capital destruction for the greater good.
OpenAI's latest investor deck has relabeled unprofitable quarters as "superintelligent investment cycles," while their new parallel processing system boasts the ability to lose money in 27 currencies simultaneously. "Our recursive self-improving loss function gets exponentially more expensive as it gets smarter," explained CFO James Wilson. "It's beautiful, really."
The company's commitment to "democratizing loss" has attracted retail investors eager to participate in what OpenAI calls "pre-profitable growth." Their new slogan, "Move Fast and Break Banking Fundamentals," adorns the walls of their loss-optimal data center, which is powered entirely by burning stacks of venture capital funding.
"Our alignment research ensures the AI remains perfectly misaligned with basic accounting principles," Altman noted during a heavily curated Twitter Spaces event. "Through our multi-modal loss architecture, we're not just losing money on text generation – we're losing it on images, video, and several theoretical forms of media that don't exist yet."
When asked about profitability concerns, Altman referenced the company's sophisticated revenue projection model, which consistently outputs "∞" regardless of input parameters. Microsoft, OpenAI's primary investor, has reportedly started pricing Azure services in theoretical dollars from parallel universes where tech companies don't need capital to operate.
