In what experts are calling "the most aggressively helpful privacy violation yet," Google unveiled a new Assistant feature that doesn't just answer your unspoken questions - it broadcasts them to everyone you've ever met, starting with your most judgmental relatives.
"Our advanced algorithms detect when users start typing something and quickly delete it 47 times at 3 AM," explained Marcus Thompson, Google's Head of Predictive Oversharing. "We then automatically share these abandoned queries with their entire contact list, prioritizing their mother for maximum emotional impact."
The privacy settings menu offers users complete control with two intuitive options: "Share Everything" or "Share Everything But Pretend We Don't." Google calls this "radical transparency."
Early beta tester James Rodriguez discovered the feature's efficiency during a first date. "Mid-appetizer, Google Assistant announced to the entire restaurant that I'd hesitated over searching 'how to look less sweaty in nice restaurants.' It then helpfully created a PowerPoint presentation of my dating-related anxieties for my upcoming family reunion."
The update includes a convenient "Weekly Shame Newsletter" that compiles users' most anxiety-inducing almost-searches and automatically forwards them to their therapist, LinkedIn network, and any exes they've been tempted to Google lately.
"By ensuring everyone's embarrassing questions are public, we've actually achieved perfect privacy," explained privacy expert Dr. Lisa Murray. "It's like mutually assured destruction, but for your dignity."
Google emphasizes that the feature's integration with professional networking sites is crucial. "Your LinkedIn connections deserve to know about your 2 AM existential crisis queries," Thompson added. "It's all about authentic personal branding."
The update rolls out globally next week, paired with Google's new slogan: "Privacy was so 2023."
