Major telecommunications companies defended themselves against criticism of the Salt Typhoon breach Thursday, asserting their privacy policies never actually promised to keep customer data private in the first place, while unveiling their new "Privacy Plus Max" subscription tier.
"If you carefully read section 247(b) subsection ix of our terms of service, you'll notice we only committed to 'maintaining data in a manner consistent with industry standards,'" said AT&T spokesperson Michael Reynolds, reading from a prepared statement. "Quote expressing deep concern for customer privacy [pause for sincerity] end quote."
The companies jointly released a statement emphasizing that customers had already consented to potential data exposure by checking the "I agree" box when signing up for service. Their legal team noted the terms of service include "any future forms of data compromise not yet invented, across all parallel universes, and retroactively through all of time."
"It's more of a 'privacy suggestion,'" explained Verizon Chief Legal Officer Jennifer Martinez. "Similar to our commitment level for 2-hour service appointment windows."
The telecoms announced they would offer affected customers a complimentary year of credit monitoring through CyberShield Pro—a firm that coincidentally was compromised in the same breach. AT&T's headquarters prominently displayed their "Most Transparent Data Practices 2024" award in response to the incident, though critics noted the award was less an achievement and more a literal description of their network security.
"This isn't a data breach," insisted T-Mobile's VP of Customer Trust Derek Williams. "We're calling it an 'unexpected international data sharing initiative.' And we're proud to announce it's running well ahead of schedule."
When pressed about whether this interpretation violated basic security principles, Williams responded: "We take our customers' privacy extremely seriously, which is why we've already drafted an apology for the next breach, scheduled for 2025."
