Tech giant Uber has once again disrupted the transportation industry with its latest innovation: a service that allows users to drive themselves while still paying Uber for the privilege. The new "Bring Your Own Car" (BYOC) feature is set to launch next month, promising to "streamline the ridesharing experience" by cutting out the middleman - in this case, the driver.
"We asked ourselves, 'How can we make Uber even more efficient?'" said Brad Steinworth, Uber's Chief Disruption Officer. "The answer was staring us right in the face: let the passengers do all the work!"
Under the new BYOC model, users will have the freedom to use their own vehicles, choose their own routes, and set their own schedules. In return, they'll enjoy the satisfaction of paying Uber a modest fee for the experience.
"It's like having a backseat driver, but in app form," explained Steinworth, beaming with pride. "And the best part? You get to pay for it!" The app will feature a state-of-the-art GPS system that users can choose to ignore completely, along with a revolutionary "self-rating" feature that allows drivers to critique their own performance.
"We're really excited about the self-rating system," gushed Melissa Huang, Uber's Head of Unnecessary Features. "Users can give themselves one to five stars based on how much they enjoyed driving themselves around. It's a game-changer in the field of self-affirmation technology."
When asked about the potential impact on Uber's existing driver network, company spokesperson Alison Reeves waved off concerns. "Our drivers are our family," she said, while simultaneously sending a company-wide email about upcoming 'family downsizing initiatives.' "We're simply expanding our definition of 'driver' to include 'people who drive themselves and pay us for no reason.'"
The new service has already garnered rave reviews from beta testers. "It's amazing," enthused early adopter Frank Peterson. "Yesterday, I drove myself to work, paid Uber $15, and then rated myself 5 stars. I've never felt so empowered!"
Critics have pointed out that the new service is essentially just driving your own car while burning money, but Uber remains undeterred. "That's the kind of narrow-minded thinking that would have prevented the invention of pet rocks or bottled air," retorted Steinworth. "We're not just selling a service here; we're selling an experience. An experience of driving yourself and pretending you're using Uber."
As Uber prepares to roll out BYOC globally, competitors are scrambling to catch up. Lyft has announced plans for a "Walk Yourself" feature, while Airbnb is reportedly developing a "Sleep in Your Own Bed" option.
In related news, Uber's stock price has skyrocketed on expectations that the new service will dramatically reduce operational costs while inexplicably maintaining revenue. Wall Street analysts have upgraded Uber's stock to "Buy" with a target price of "However Much You're Willing to Pay Us for No Real Reason."
