Leaked documents reveal Amazon's plans for a new line of "Jassycash" nutrition bars, made from a surprising source – under-performing warehouse workers and staff. The e-commerce giant has secured patents for processing "inefficient human resources" into a nutrient-rich food product to feed its remaining workforce.
The project, code-named "Ouroboros," aims to reduce employment costs while promoting sustainability. An Amazon spokesperson explained, "Instead of letting unproductive elements go to waste, we'll recycle them into a high-protein food source with zero percent crunch." Terminations will be rebranded as "human resource reallocations."
Workers face scrutiny from Amazon's new "Minimum Viability Evaluation" algorithm, which scores employees based on picking speed, bathroom time, and obedience to robotic superiors. Those falling below acceptance thresholds will be directed to Soylent Processing Centers and converted into chewy, nourishing rations.
"We've optimized flavor profiles for maximum palatability," the spokesperson revealed. "The bars derive their greenish hue from the crushed dollars rendered from former employment costs." Each bar provides a full day's calories, vitamins, and minerals – including significant amounts of fear to boost employee compliance.
Amazon touts Jassycash as "the world's first limitlessly sustainable workforce snack," though regulatory approval remains pending. Concerns over potentially implemented cannibalism have prompted opposition from labor rights groups. However, Amazon leaders remain confident Jassycash bars will be a huge success, promising the bars are "pulpy, delicious, and 99% fingernail free."
